Week Four, Part 4 - Socratic Method, The Home Edition

The absence of Professor Rice doesn’t mean I don’t think about Torts. The cases we would have covered deal with basic defenses to intentional torts such as battery, assault, and trespass.

At home during supper, I decide to test Stephanie and Lauren, ages 7 and 5.

"Here's a question for you,” I say. “Get it right and you can be a lawyer."

"Okay!" says Lauren.

"You know how when somebody does a bad thing, you can go to court and get money from them?"

They nod.

"Okay, tell me if you can get any money in this case." I clear my throat and wink at Terri. “A farmer in Iowa had an extra house on his land. It was old and no one lived there. In fact, to keep people away, the farmer locked the doors and boarded up the windows. He even posted a sign: ‘No Trespassing.’ But someone, the farmer didn’t know who, kept breaking in. This trespasser would smash bottles and leave cigarette butts on the floor. Finally the farmer got angry and decided to solve the problem forever.”

I take a bite of chicken cordon bleu. “Mmm, this is good. My cooking’s gettin’ better, if I don’t say so myself.”

“Mark!” says Stephie. She has stopped eating to listen.

“It’s the Dijon mustard that gives it some zip, don’t you think?”

“Mark!!” says Lauren.

“Oh, yeah. Where was I? The farmer decides he’s going to set a trap. He rigs the bedroom so if anyone opens the door, a shotgun will go off."

"Boom!" says Stephie.

“The trespasser comes back again. He doesn’t know about the trap and there’s no warning sign. When he pries open the door, you guessed it.”

“Boom!” says Lauren.

“The shotgun blows off a chunk of his knee and he's in the hospital forty days. When he finally gets out, one leg is shorter than the other. He limps to the courthouse and sues the farmer. Can our friend, Mr. Trespasser, get any money?"

Stephie says “no” right away. Lauren thinks for a while and says, “Yes.”

I press her. "Even though he was breaking into the house and vandalizing it?"

Lauren changes her vote to “no.” Terri agrees.

"Nope,” I say. None of you get to be lawyers. The farmer had to pay the trespasser $30,000.”

“What!?” Terri protests.

“That’s right. To quote Professor Rice, ‘You can't use deadly force to protect property, even if it’s the Hope Diamond.’”

Terri asks, “What about self-defense?”

“Doesn’t apply, “ I say. “The house was deserted." I lower my voice an octave. “In Iowa, it’s a point of law.”

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